Dancing In The Minefields: The Married Lifestyle

This monogamy business, it's hard work.  "I do are the two most famous last words.  The beginning of the end."

The happiest couple 07-15-1978

They're Dropping Like Flies
I reconnected with a dear old friend on Face Book recently.  I've known him and his family for 18 years; his wife was pregnant with their first child when we met.  They are no longer together, separated in 2008, divorced in 2009.  Financial difficulties played a role but that wasn't the sole reason.  Good Christian people, both of them.  That didn't seem to matter. 

Through Face Book I've found quite a few long lost friends.  A good many of them have thrown in the towel on marriage.  Face Book itself played at least a contributing role in one of the break ups, maybe more.

Love, it would seem, is not all you need.  At least not that romantic butterflies-in-the-stomach, light-headed, sweat-on-the-brow, ringing-in-the-ears kind of love.  That kind of love is fine for what it is.  And it's that in-love sensation that leads many couples to the altar.  But like the flu, whose symptoms it shares, that kind of love will pass.  Oh, it can come back, but it's elusive, and you have to work for it.  For too many, once that initial wave is over, so is the marriage.

A Little Marital Advice
Teri and I met in September 1977.  We were married in July 1978.  I know that love-at-first-sight phenomenon.  And I know it can happen, to the same couple, more than once. But going into it no one dreams it's going to be as hard as it turns out to be.

Many people have given us advice over the years.  The two that I remember the most came from grandfathers.  The day before our wedding my Grandpa Stirmel told me, "Lots of people will tell you that marriage is a 50-50 proposition.  It's not.  It's 100-100."

On the celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary, Teri's Grandpa Forester told me, "That's a long time to spend with one woman."

The kind of love that is required to sustain a marriage is an act of the will.  It's hard work and resolve.  To more fully grasp what is necessary to make a marriage work it helps to understand where marriage came from and what it represents.  God cooked the whole thing up.  Some would say He ordained it.  And while there are very real here and now, on this world, in this life reasons for it, ultimately marriage is a metaphor for God's love for us in Jesus. 

Without getting into a theological discussion, allow me to make one more point on this particular part of the topic.  On the night before He went to the cross (which was necessary to make the relationship with us possible in the first place) Jesus sweated blood in anticipation of what He was about to do.  That should give us a hint as to the level of consideration marriage deserves before it is entered in to.

Worth The Price
In the end, it's worth it all.  Of course I say that without having reached the end.  So let me rephrase.  After 32 years, it's been worth it all.  It has, at times, been easy.  But not often and never for very long.  I'm not sure if I qualify as an expert on the subject, but I have managed to stay married to the same woman for more than three decades.  I've been married for most of my life, so I think I know a thing or two about it.  So here's my two cents for those considering marriage or who are married and may be having a rough go of it:  Remember who you are, and hang on.  And in the face of all the chaos remember to dance.

The love of my life

Minefields And Storms
Singer-songwriter Andrew Peterson has likened marriage to dancing in a minefield.  His song, Dancing In The Minefields says it better in three and a half minutes and 319 words than I could in 2500 words.  Thanks Andrew, for reawakening the romantic in so many of us.  Andrew's been married for 15 years, so he still has quite a few landmines to two-step around.  Those first 50 years are the toughest.  I'm just sayin'.

Dancing In The Minefields
Andrew Peterson

Well I was 19 you were 21
The year we got engaged
Everyone said we were much to young
But we did it anyway
We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road
We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago

We went dancing in the minefields
We went sailing in the storm
And it was harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

Well "I do" are the two most famous last words
The beginning of the end
But to lose your life for another I've heard is a good place to begin
Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down
And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found


And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for

 So when I lose my way, find me
When I loose love's chains, bind me
At the end of all my faith
to the end of all my days
when I forget my name, remind me

Cause we bear the light of the son of man
So there's nothing left to fear
So I'll walk with you in the shadow lands
Till the shadows disappear
Cause he promised not to leave us
And his promises are true
So in the face of all this chaos baby
I can dance with you

So lets go dancing in the minefields
Lets go sailing in the storms
Oh lets go dancing in the minefields
And kicking down the doors
Oh lets go dancing in the minefields
And sailing in the storms
Oh this is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for
That's what the promise is for